When we embark on our self-development journeys, we’ve already taken huge steps. We’ve paused our busy lives long enough to truly reflect on how we are leading ourselves, assessed our satisfaction within, and decided to do something about it. We may even know what our first steps are to improving our situations, relationships and contentment.
There is a pitfall however, that is incredibly easy to slip into.
Fixating on fixing ourselves.
We think because we have located an unhealthy or undesirable trait within us, that trait must be inherently wrong and something that can (and sometimes must) be resolved. This thinking can push us away from our ultimate goal — contentment. If we view a negative trait as something that needs to be fixed by a solution it places all our emphasis and desire, and therefore our happiness, on the final product, who we will be once we are fixed. Since all our emphasis is on how we will be so much greater once we have ‘sorted ourselves out’ a desperation can follow to find a solution to get us to that destination as quickly as possible.
This can lead to self-flagellation, quick fix remedies such as substances, over-spending and over reliance on self-help material and frustration/anger at the slow progress we are making.
The reality is change and healing takes time.
To give oneself time and space to grow is to show oneself compassion and understanding. Perhaps the very two things that were lacking originally in your relationship with yourself that first lead to discontentment. But why is it important to show oneself compassion and understanding?
In my experience, existential discontentment can be derived from resistance to who one is and placing incredibly high expectations on oneself. When we can finally accept that we are imperfect and begin to show ourselves love, patience and understanding we can reframe our entire mindset and bring our happiness and validation into our control instead of mindlessly chasing it in the future and chastising ourselves for never reaching it.
There are several expectations that tend to be out of alignment.
1. The expectation to be perfect.
This is a dangerous expectation because it will never be satisfied. Human beings are inherently imperfect creatures. We are the product of so many things that are out of our control, our genes, our upbringing, our environment, our fears, our imperfect brains with imperfect memory. We are not designed to do everything perfectly and as such people make mistakes, including us. And that’s ok.
2. The expectation that self-development will happen fast.
See point 1 — We are imperfect animals. Hence, we often don’t learn things first time around. As with all living things, energy conservation is crucial to survival. The less energy one exerts the less food one needs to source, and the longer one can survive to reproduce. We were in this wild environment only 400,000 years ago. 1. Our brain’s operation has changed little in this time and works on the same premise of energy conservation. Throughout most of our day we cruise through life on auto pilot, where the brain does not think cognitively to make decisions as this is incredibly energy consuming but instead relies on learnt behaviours, this process is called cognitive ease. Therefore, we can often find ourselves falling for the same mistakes over and over again until the brain rewires, and a new autopilot is built. This, inevitably, takes time.
3. The expectation that you will feel happy once you are ‘fixed.’
By placing all your happiness in the future, you are depriving yourself of it now. Happiness is found in the present, with acceptance that you are who are and that there is no such thing as fixing yourself. You are perfect as you are (an imperfect being) and by wanting to improve unhealthy habits you are highlighting your drive for betterment which is amazing. But that habit isn’t you. And therefore, you don’t need fixing. There are always things we can do better, but those things don’t define us just as positive habits don’t define us either. We are more than just our actions and behaviours. Furthermore, there is no destination where you are suddenly all fixed, self-development is an endless journey of learning and acceptance that takes an entire lifetime. It is a journey, not a destination.
When we realign our expectations, by allowing ourselves to be imperfect, expect natural paced progress and realise happiness is not a thing to collect once you’ve punished yourself into being better, then we start to trust the process and can focus on the journey rather than the destination.
When we empower ourselves to do that, we can focus on the present, safe in the knowledge that it’s ok to be imperfect, it’s ok to make mistakes and progress takes time and is ultimately eternal.
Resources
https://www.sapiens.org/column/animalia/human-ancestors-and-domestication/
The Chimp Paradox: Prof Steve Peters
Thinking fast and slow: Daniel Kahneman
